The Rules of Retail: You're Not the Center of the Universe

Or: "How to not appear to be a self-centered, condescending, self-entitled idiot."

For some years now, I have been of the mindset that every American high schooler or perhaps college student should spend a year of their education working at least part time in retail. And I mean a real job in retail, a customer service job in retail, not working the stockroom or being the girl who takes care of price tags. A job that is real fucking work of the worst fucking variety: dealing with dozens upon dozens of people a day who look down on you for no reason. Fuck.

Lately, I have been compiling a list of what I call the Rules of Retail. It's been slow work, as many of the rules run together and I want to keep the list and the gist of each of its rules concise because, well ... most people really are basically retarded. And I don't mean that in the sense that they are stupid, so perhaps it is unfair to use the term. What I mean is, people have a nasty habit of thinking of themselves as the center of the universe. This brings us to the first rule:

Guess What? You're Not the Center of the Universe.

See, I don't get why people don't already know this. Fact of the matter is, outside of your common retail outlet, the average person doesn't think they're the most important person alive. But they walk into a Target or a Wal-Mart or some shit (and seriously, people: stop shopping at Wal-Mart), and they suddenly think it's all become about them.

Now, I understand: sometimes, something in your meaningless little shopping experience goes wrong. Sometimes, that something is even directly related to an employee (just not as often as you think). However, that something does not make your whole shitty day the fault of every person with a name tag on. See, this is the problem: all the people who never worked retail (hell, and all the people who DID work retail twenty years ago when the world was a different place) seem to think they're better than all the people who DO. You're gonna get mad at me because I'm not trained in hardware and I can't find a single type of screw? Guess what, jackass, you're not trained in hardware and you can't find it, either. Get over yourself and rest assured: if you're patient, we will do everything we can to help you.

That's another thing: don't be impatient when it comes to lines or waiting for service or the like. As I said: the world does not revolve around you. But this works both ways. Just as the world is not here for your personal comfort, whims, and desires, so too is it not here for the simple task of fucking you over. A long line is not an indication of "how shitty your day is going." It is an unfortunate fact of life. Hell, it's usually not even that long, you're just impatient and think lines shouldn't apply to you, for some reason. But the fact of the matter is, people are pack animals. You move in PACKS. In retail, there is no such thing as a steady pace: either there aren't enough customers, or there are too many. I don't know what phenomenon causes this, but it's practically science. But the more people you pile into one place, the more things can go wrong. And the simple fact of the matter is this: when something DOES go wrong, it is rarely the fault of the cashier or employee. The other rules will illustrate this, whenever I get around to posting them.

So maybe next time you're stuck in a long line or can't find what you're looking for, you should take a serious look at the situation and decide if it really is the fault of the orange apron in front of you before you start treating him or her like shit.